Tribute to Dad

 

Thank you to everyone that came today, instead of the sorrows and the mourning, let us celebrate our father’s life. So I will try my best to make it a bit livelier and less sad, but no promises though.

 

There are 10 things that you may or may not know about our dad, Engineer Bienvenido “Ben” Tan, but either way; I would like to talk about these things.

 

  1. He is a good conversationalist. He was born as an only child, by our Lolo Tan Li Sun and Lola Juanita, and even though his home province is Isabella, he spent most of his childhood days in San Pablo City, Laguna. And as an only child, he didn’t have any brothers or sisters to talk to, and hence he developed this sense of wanting to have siblings and a lot of friends. He was a voracious reader of books and magazines, which gave him so many things to discuss to people of all walks of life. He developed a skill in making friends with almost anyone that he talks to.

 

  1. He is an engineer, but a frustrated doctor. He is a very smart man. When he was young, he won the “Young Scientist Award”, and had since then fell in love with medical science. He wanted to become a doctor at an early age, however, we had very practical grandparents at that time, and hence, Lolo and Lola said that they might not be able to sustain him financially through medical school, so they instead forced him into taking up engineering, which was back then a very demanding job overseas, especially his field which is chemical engineering. Despite his frustration in not entering medicine, he respected his parent’s wishes and went to Mapua University. Being the smart guy that he is, he breezed through college and even excelled at it. But after college, as engineering was not his love, he didn’t pursue a career in engineering and just later pursued business.

 

  1. He was a very selfless man. He died the moment that we, his children, were born. He stopped living for himself, and simply focused on being a great husband, and in becoming the best father that he could be. He never said that, but lived it… I guess that is why when people were asking me when I was young, what I wanted to be when I grow up… instead of saying, a doctor, a lawer, a pilot, an engineer, etc… I answered, “I want to be a loving husband, and a great father.” I guess I have always wanted to be like my dad… and that was what he is.

 

  1. He is a very hard working father. He took on different odd jobs just to get us to finish school. The ones we can recall, at the top of our heads, he worked in hardware stores, he ran a big construction supply company, he made a start-up box cartons for export companies, he had a small recycling company, he became an insurance agent and later even became a district manager, he had a small quail farm, he sold fire extinguishers, he subcontracted iron works for export companies, he had a small fabric toy manufacturing business for export, he taught in school at the Republic Central Colleges at the College of Engineering, and then later became the plant engineer of Lazatin Vinegar Plant.

 

  1. He finished Bible School. He wanted to serve God better and finished Bible School, taking up part-time night classes at the International Bible Seminary. He likewise excelled in Bible School and even consistently won preaching competitions.

 

  1. He is a great linguist. When he met my mother, he fell in love with her, there was, however, one slight hurdle… a slight language barrier… my mother grew up as a Kapampangan, and my dad spoke Tagalog. So in order for my mom to easily speak to him in her native dialect, dad learned how to speak Kapampangan in just a few weeks, and now, he is even more fluent in Kapampangan than mom. Aside from the different dialects he mastered, he also even taught Hebrew and Greek language back in his Bible School days. He also taught Chinese, very proficient in both Foo Kien and Mandarin.

 

  1. Education is one of his top priority. We grew up being guided in all aspects of education. He was so hands-on that instead of just telling us to study our lessons, he would study it himself, and show us that if he could learn it, so can we. He did that from our basic education and all the way up to medical school. After we all graduated, with all the medical books that he had read, way even more than what I and my sisters had read, we knew that if he was to take the medical board exam, we believe that he would pass it with flying colors, as he was that smart.

 

  1. He is a disciplinarian. Oh, he is a very strict father. Even at school, since education was his priority, he didn’t accept petty excuses not to go to school. If you tell him, “Dad, I have fever, I cannot go to school.”, he would get medicine and say, “Here, take this, and when the fever goes down, I will take you to school.” You need to be in the ICU just to be able to skip school, and luckily, we didn’t, because we couldn’t afford to be in the ICU anyway.

 

  1. He is very humble, but sometimes misunderstood. To those who knew my dad, you would probably recall that he always bragged about his children’s achievements. He was so humble with his own achievements, but whenever it was ours, he would tell everyone that he meets, sometimes even people that he just meets along the way. Even at this moment, I know that he is here, and he is telling everyone, “Look at my flowers, look at this big chapel.” He will brag about those, not because they are his, but because someone gave them to him, especially the ones offered by his children. But, of course, some people still misunderstand.

 

  1. He had a lot of medical issues 20 years ago. My dad suffered from all his hard work, and all the odd jobs that he took. He was exposed to harmful chemicals and too much heat. He suffered heat exhaustion multiple times and passed out by himself, uncontrolled blood pressure, on and off chest pains, but kept all of those from us, he only accidentally divulged those information piece by piece during casual conversations many years after. There was a time that he showed me a bottle where his urine was bloody. We kept telling him to get himself checked, but maybe he thought that any additional expense would just be better used for our everyday expenses. My sister Jean could recall that there was a time that Dad talked to her and told her that he was diagnosed as having a severe heart problem, and that he wanted her to study well. Maybe the reason why he kept pushing us to excel in school was because he knew that he was dying, that if ever he would pass away suddenly, we could still continue with scholarships. He suffered a mild paralytic stroke a few years ago, which again weakened him further, and even later with the latest treatments in medical science, apparently, we could not fully reverse all the years of damage that he had suffered.

 

Trying to make sense out of everything that had happened, we tried to find some rational explanation, and to answer the question, “Why now?” But we realized that with all the hardships that he went through just to get us through life… where he shielded us from the harsh realities of this cruel world… where he took the full brunt of the pain and suffering just so that we won’t feel all of those… he could have died 20 years ago.

 

But we know our dad… with his dedication and love for us, he would not allow that. That’s why we know that he would have probably made a deal with the Lord, 20 years ago, and asked for an extension. “Lord, 20 more years! I just want to see my children finish with their studies and get stable jobs, that is all I ask for.”

 

We know our dad well, and we know that that would be his prayer… and now Lord, rather than us saying, “Why now?”, we would now say, “Thank you, Lord, for granting our dad’s prayer for an extension of 20 more years.”

 

Imagine if God didn’t grant my dad’s prayer, we would have been left at a time where we had to stop studying, and probably have to be the ones doing odd jobs just to survive. We were the ones who would have faced the world’s cruelties. He spared us from that… he was so prayerful that God did grant his wish.

 

And now, my message to dad is… “Dad, you should have asked for 30 or 60 years, rather than just 20.”

 

But we know our dad, he is not a greedy person. He is so generous, especially now that his family is already financially stable, that even if he had only brought with him Php 100 in his wallet, but if he sees someone in need, he would give it. He gives generous tips, and will not think twice in sharing. Even during our period of financial troubles, he would give, and if he had no money, he would give in kind or in service. I remember before a time when the bridge going to our church got eroded by water current, since he had no money to give, he joined in with the workers in making sand bags.

 

We are saddened by this abrupt instance… seeing his smile was enough for us to achieve anything, knowing that when we achieve our goals, his face will light up and we would see his smile. We know that he will still be proud of us with our future achievements, but the sad part for us is that we won’t be able to see that beaming smile.

 

Our problem now is how to move on… when we knew before that we could climb any mountain and surpass any hurdle… just to see his face light up when we tell him. The thought of being able to tell him something you achieve, and him being so happy, gives us that extra wind, that extra push to be able to achieve anything.

 

It is that smile that I will miss… and I do not know how to make that transition of not having him by our side… wherein he had been there from the start.

 

Daddy Ben knows how to live without us… as he had lived okay prior to us being born… but we cannot… we do not know how to live without him… for he had been there from the time we first cried in the hospital… to our screams on our first stumble as we were learning how to walk… to our hoorays on our first achievements… we really do not have an idea now.

 

I used to be afraid of dying… that was one of my fears… it was like suddenly migrating to a foreign country where you do not know anyone… but now… I am not afraid anymore… because I know someone in that foreign land… my dad is waiting for us there, patiently waiting to be able to be with us again.

 

Although, the reality is that I still have other loved ones here on earth… that even if I want to go see Daddy again right now… I wouldn’t want my loved ones here to suffer the same pain that I am going through… especially now that I know how painful it is.

 

Daddy Ben taught us how to study well… but he also taught us everything about life. Mama is there to act a supporting role… but dad was the leader. I do not know if what he taught me was already enough to survive this cruel world.

 

I often counsel people with a similar situation… but this time… I cannot find any words that can console me.

 

We strived so hard in order to partly repay the hardships that my Daddy had gone through in order to get us to be stable in life.

 

Honestly, I know that we won’t be able to physically stay with dad forever… that’s why I was always in a hurry to work, so that I could give him comfort the soonest time. So right after medical school, instead of continuing for further medical training right away, I opted to stop and work first… and the moment I started working, I told my dad to stop working already. I wasn’t making a lot back then, but I wanted him to take a break from work already.

 

I started to be very aggressive with work, I turned into a workaholic person, up to now, I do so many projects all at once, and my purpose is not to simply amass a huge fortune for myself, but to be able to give my parents comfort in life. I didn’t care what others thought… because what I cared for is Dad and Mom.

 

I have been misunderstood, like my dad… why I buy expensive stuff… luxurious stuff even… but my reasons were just so I could give my parents a taste of what they sacrificed just to get us to finish. If he didn’t have us, he could have pursued his career in chemical engineering overseas and would be so successful like his other classmates, but he gave up all that… just to have us. He always tells us that we are his treasure… the only part in this world that he can take with him to heaven.

 

Dad died the day we were born… and he then started living for us. He sacrificed everything and he prioritized us… in ALL things.

 

The food that he is about to eat, he literally just gave to us… and even if he had to walk miles and miles, he would, just to save money so that he could just give it to us. He skipped meals, just to be able to save for us.

 

His sacrifices took a toll on his body… those sacrifices weakened him… that’s why I know that he might not last long. We did everything we could do… the latest that medical science could offer… and he lived longer than what his damaged body could only reach.

 

But this has been my fear for the longest… and it had surrounded me with an ever so thick cloud of sadness… so thick that it is suffocating.

 

So sudden… that we are at a loss right now.

 

Even though we know that he won’t feel guilty leaving us, as he didn’t leave us during unstable times… it still doesn’t remove the pain and the sorrow that we feel right now. We keep thanking him for all his unselfish actions to the family.

 

We thank him for putting us as his priority… above his own self. He was such a selfless dedicated father… and we can never ever repay what he had done for us. Even if I will buy him a Ferrari or a Rolls Royce… it won’t ever be enough. Even if I will buy him all the books that he wanted, as he loved books very much, it won’t be enough.

 

Maybe that’s why God just intervened and said He will just give him a mansion filled with books… and give him all the food that he wants, without any harm to his body anymore.

 

I thank God for that… but I just hope that He would at least have given me more time to rePay Dad in my own little ways… even just a bit longer… I just have so many ongoing projects that I wanted him to see… and I wanted to see his face light up when they are done.

 

I do so many simultaneous projects because I am always in a hurry… I know that I have a time limit as to what he can see… but it was just cut too short.

 

I know he will still be proud… and now without the physical limitations of his body, he can now accompany me everywhere… and see everything first hand… he will be so happy… but I can never see his face… that is what I will miss… which breaks my heart into a million pieces.

 

We will all get there… not yet for us… but in time… and I know Dad… when I see him… he will take my hand… pull me and he will say, “Bry, hurry, look at my huge mansion… I have the complete series of the National Geographic magazine… so many books about archeology… medicine… so many.”

 

A lot of people say that Daddy Ben was so lucky to have children like us… but in reality… we were the lucky ones… to have a father like him.

 

He was such a selfless dedicated father… and we can never ever repay what he had done for us.

 

And now that his extra 20 years is up… how did my father choose to leave us? He wanted to leave us peacefully, without us feeling that we could have done more, and he would have opted to leave at a memorable time… as all he wants is to be remembered.

 

So he chose to leave at a time where mom, my sister and myself were with him. He simply said he wanted to sleep, and sat in his favorite humble chair, gently closed his eyes, and left quietly without any pain.

 

We all ran to get him into the hospital, as even though he was ready, we were not. There was no untoward delay and we were able to get him into the hospital within just a few minutes. The best heart doctor attended to him, surrounded by other doctor friends, he got the best treatment, but after an hour and a half, he just didn’t respond.

 

The body cannot survive without the soul and the spirit, and am sure that he chose to leave the moment he closed his eyes.

 

I guess that it was the least painful exit that he could think of, and to leave at a memorable time… on Father’s Day. It was his day, and he did it his way.

 

In a few minutes, his body will be cremated, and after the whole ceremony is done, we will all go home together as one family again. We all have different ways of grieving, and this is our family’s way, we are not yet fully ready… in time we will, but not just now.

 

And tomorrow… tomorrow our family will celebrate dad and mom’s wedding anniversary.

 

 

When I was just a small kid, I can clearly recall this instance that Dad and I were together, he was driving, and I was seated on the front passenger seat. And he would sing a Filipino song that goes…

 

Tatanda, at lilipas din ako… ngunit mayroong awitin, iiwanan sa inyong, alaala. Dahil… minsan… tayo’y nagkasama.

 

It goes, “I will grow old, and I will pass away, although, there is this one song that I will leave with you… a song that you will remember. Because in this life, we spent memories together.”

 

He would get me to sing along with him, and we would always sing that when we are together. As I was growing older, we would sing that from time to time again.

 

I would be teary eyed whenever we sing that song, because even at a young age, I knew what he was doing. He was preparing me for this day… he didn’t know back then up to how long he had, but all he asked is that I remember him.

 

Dad, you will always be remembered, never forgotten… always in our hearts and minds. We will continue your acts of service; we will be kind and patient to our children, the way you were to us.

 

And the way you imitated Christ, so shall we imitate your life. We are able to fully grasp and see the goodness of God as a father to us, because we saw how you were as a great and loving father.

 

Thank you, Dad, thank you… all that we are now is because of you, and we will make sure that all that we will be, will make you even more and more proud.

 

Thank you… I know you do not like long speeches, and you want to go home already, so I will end it here.

 

Thank you… we love you so much, forever, never ending, never failing. Guide us always, warn us of danger, and just continue to send your love through the Holy Spirit who will comfort us at this time.

 

Thank you… thank you…